Hi so here we are. Part 2. Have you been waiting for this? *Sigh*. I actually had some anxiety about this post but I cannot let my anxiety consume me. So here goes…
After high school things were rough. I wanted to be free. I lived with some family for while, a roommate and then back at my parents. My late teens and twenties was like a bullet train. I was in the fast lane. My motto was, “I am going to party until I die.” I worked hard and I played hard. I would go to raves and parties in the Bay Area and drive back to Sacramento to go to work.
I had a cyst removed from my lower back (twice). That slowed me down. I was in a lot of pain. Like many people who have had surgeries back to back I got hooked on the opioids. That was tough but I got through it (at least I thought I did). I had anxiety. Full blown panic attacks. I got caught up in the wrong crowd. I dealt with addiction. People who I thought cared for me truly did not. I was unaware that I was doing so much damage to myself. I was numb. In some way I think that was the state of being I could function in. I was working two jobs. By day I was getting my work done by night I was out latein the streets of Sacramento drinking Vodka or Barcardi 151 ( I cannot drink 151 anymore and I don’t know how I did).My 21st birthday, a blur.
I thought I was so cool. People wanted to be my friend and hang out with me. Little did I know people were just around for the fun and the money. Not for me. People who I grew up with used me and talked bad about me behind my back. People who I thought were really my friends were not. It’s funny how people smile in your face but behind your back it is a different ball game. These same people were “so concerned about me” but none of them ever said anything to ME.
My real friends were mad at me. My friend James yelled at me one day and told me to my face that I was ruining my life. I remember being so messed up just staring at his angry face. I remember feeling like crap. But I kept going. I kept going down the black hole. I hit a very low point. I needed help. I dealt with addiction for 9 months before realizing that I did not want this to be my life. My real friends were there for me. Every step of the way. As I write this I can’t help but cry because if it wasn’t for them holding me down I don’t know where I would be today. It was a hard road. I cut people off. Trying to find myself again. I would cook dinner for my friends to help me. I love cooking so I think that helped me a lot. My brother was a big rock for me and still is. I realized that I was trying to die during that dark period, I was hoping that it would just end. But by the grace of God and the universe it was not my time. I got myself together and got a new job. My anxiety was coming back full force so I decided to talk to my doctor.
I took anxiety medication and it worked for a short amount of time. Then I felt like the doctor kept upping my dose and at some point I felt like I was dependent on it. I needed it. Once I got to a pretty high dose I felt like it was making me “high”. I started to get strange thoughts. Thoughts I never had before. I thought about driving my car into a semi truck. So I decided to stop taking them. Of course I told my doctor because it is not good to just quit certain meds. My doctor was not happy but I did not like the thoughts I was having.
I saw therapists. I felt like none of them understood me. I had some traumatic events happen and I had a psychiatrist tell me I needed 6 medications. Six?! I remember saying no. You may be wondering what those traumatic experiences were. I was in an abusive relationship for a long time. A lot of my relationships were abusive. Abuse is just not physical it is mental and verbal too. My ex threatened to kill me and I won’t go into detail but those events that day were a big part of my life for years. His voice was always in my head telling me how terrible I was.
I went through a period where I was ok for a while. I decided to go to school. But the depression would creep back in. I would encounter people who only wanted to take from me. I was sexually harassed at my job and it shook me. I was devastated. I ended up quitting that job. (#metoo)
Late twenties. My depression and anxiety was so bad I cried everyday. Every single day I cried. I was in a relationship during this time. Looking back I feel so bad for him having to deal with my sadness but I was not happy and he was not the one. I thought he was, I worked so hard to build a home and make it work. The reality is I should have walked away from that relationship earlier but we had good times and he was a great guy but we were like oil and water sometimes. I thought I could fix him. WRONG! After our split I was so sad, the anxiety, the depression, the negative thoughts consumed me. I am naturally skinny always have been. During this time due to my depression I lost weight and I was aware. I just wasn’t hungry. People during this time, women especially, picked on me or made comments suggesting that I had an eating disorder. I have never had an eating disorder. Unfortunately some women can’t support women and I don’t like drama. I mean I could write a whole story on how women in my life have done me so wrong but that is in the past. My twenties were rough. So lost. You know some people have no idea I went through these struggles. I suffered in silence. It was not all darkness. I had my friends and my family. But behind my smile was sadness. The fact that I survived my twenties is a miracle. I learned a lot.
In my late twenties is when I started going places by myself. (People now question me as to why I eat alone). Here is the thing. I was so used to having someone with me in my twenties I was dependent on having someone accompany me everywhere. The first time I ate alone I was nervous but excited. I could order whatever I wanted without anyone telling me otherwise. My friends weren’t always available and that is where my solo adventures began.
My twenties were hard. But the things I survived made me strong. It took me a long time to see that. I lost a lot of people in my twenties to suicide, homicide or overdose. I took control and did not want to end up that way.
In part 3, I will share where I am now and how I got to this point in my current life.
Thank you for reading part 2. I was scared to write this maybe for the fear of judgment but this is my life and this is my story. If you or anyone you know is struggling with depression please reach out and talk to someone. Your life matters. You are important and you are loved. If you make a mistake there is always tomorrow to start fresh.
You are always one decision away from a totally different life.